Rough Draft

Thankful For...

1.  Beautiful, stunning, and simply gorgeous fall foliage in the east.  (I will miss you pretty leaves...)

2.  Healthy kids; kids that do quite well despite one obstacle after another being tossed in their direction; hearing wonderful words from teachers and neighbors about how fantastic your children are (and ask "what are you doing right?"  Seriously? I'm not sure I could answer that with a straight face!); kids that make me crazy, happy, frustrated, excited, thrilled, blessed, tired.

3.  My husband who not only has a job (in this economy, thank God) but a job that he absolutely LOVES and a company that (knock on wood) seems like a splendid place to work.  He is happy and loves what he does and where he goes each and every day.  I'm a firm believer that you need to do something that you are passionate about...otherwise, no amount of money is worth being unhappy in your profession...He is hardworking and never lazy.  He is kind, patient, funny, smart, and goes with most flows.

4.  My rice cooker which I still love after all these years; the trash compacter that I never thought I could love something so retro (but I do, I really do); Accent because you taste so good but are so, so bad; coffee because without you I would be further in the slump on a daily basis; coconut milk: seriously, what is not to like and be thankful for here; Asian dipping sauces over steamed broccoli; shrimp scampi; a good steak; RIBS.

5.  Stacks of books beckoning me to read them constantly.  Love. Books.  Love. To. Read.

6.  Sharpies.  So permanent, so glorious.

7.  The dog who follows me from room to room and is never very far from me at any given moment.  Such a simple little relationship of trust and love.

8.  Rainy days.  Bring on the rain.  Love it.  Makes me cozy and happy.

9.  Happy mail and all those wonderful folks out there who show how much they love me by sending me random cards and goodies in the mail.

10.  Popcorn.  And not that yucky microwave stuff either (although our microwave in this house doesn't seem to have the hang-ups the one in Idaho has!).  Since my popcorn popper base has broken and I haven't ordered a new one yet, we have been using the old-fashioned approach of pot, oil, lid, stove.  YUMMY!  Some spray butter, some evil Accent, some other salt type mixture I found up here, and a little chipolte spice.  Delish!

11.  An empty laundry shoot.

12.  Bedtime.

13.  Embroidery floss.  All the colors makes me insanely happy.

14.  Friends who know the song in my heart even when I have forgotten the words.

15.  Beautiful trees of all shapes, sizes, and colors.

16.  Kind, thoughtful, caring people.

17.  Thai food, especially for you Pad Thai.

18.  Blueberries.

19.  Memories.

20.  Cardinals at my window.

21.  Lined paper.

22.  Renting our house in Idaho because it gives me just a glimmer of hope...

23.  Romantic comedies for making me laugh and so Larry can see that he isn't alone among this one crazy-overly-sensitive-perhaps-controlling wife of his.

24.  Scentsy.  I love a good smellin' house.

25.  Extra freezer (two) and refrigerator space in the garage.

26.  The opportunity to see and explore new things.

Oprah

I wouldn't say I'm a huge fan...I might have been way back in the day...but nowadays I find her extremely full of herself, pompous, and incredibly condescending to us regular folk ("oh, these boots are SO reasonable at $570!! What a great deal" and "I am so rich and successful I can buy just about anything I want. Ha Ha, what fun it is being this rich and most of you will simply never achieve this kind of greatness!"  Of course, I'm paraphrasing).

Her book club books (the ones I read anyway) sucked.  I hated when a book I was anxious to read showed up on her book club list almost insuring I'll never be able to get my hands on a damn copy. And don't get me started on that "Oprah's Book Club Selection" stamp on every book! I hate that almost as much as I hate books-turned-into-movies and then the book covers suddenly feature the actors.  (But, I digress...)

Every once in a while I found the topic interesting and would catch a show but overall, not a fan, and not sure I'll miss her daily show in 2011 when she calls it quits.  I don't envision her going anywhere (in a Leno-kind of way) between her own network, magazines, clothing line, book deals, making stars out of doctors all across the country, building homes, running schools, promoting her perfume and make-up line, designing flatware, making her own label of wine, and let's not forget taking over France.

The one thing that came to my mind when I heard this announcement (how could you miss it?) was where I was when her show first debuted.

In the fall of 1986 I was sitting in a hospital room in Hollywood for nine days following gallbladder surgery.  I was twenty.  And there wasn't much else to do but watch TV and lo and behold this Oprah woman debuted and I was hooked...she was lively and down-to-earth...and because the alternative in those days was a middle-aged man.

I'm sure we'll see plenty of you Oprah, you don't strike me as the retiring kind...

Obsessed

I'm not sure when this whole cooking show obsession began.

I was too young to appreciate Julia on television but I do vaguely remember a slight enjoyment watching the Galloping Gourmet.  And I remember the first "chefs" on the Food Network when they debuted...in fact, they had so few chefs that they just kept looping them around week after week.

While I still enjoy the Food Network overall...especially Ina Garten, whom I just want to be her and live in her pretty house in the Hampton's and invite fun people over for a feast of homemade lobster macaroni and (three) cheese, fresh bread, wine, and a wonderful peach pie...all served on an enormous wicker tray with a vase of fresh daisies from her garden...it is the challenge shows that have me gripped at the moment.

Okay, maybe more obsessed than gripped.

Me: "So what is on tonight?"
L:   "Top Chef."
Me: "What about Iron Chef?"
L:   "That's on Monday's."
Me: "Oh that's right."

And around and around the boiling water we go.  We both absolutely love these cooking challenge-type shows...

Top Chef
The Next Iron Chef
Dinner: Impossible
Hell's Kitchen
Pass the Sherry, I Need To Braise The Beef
So You Think You Can Cook
Chefs on Survivor Island
Cooking With The Chefs
Biggest Chef
American Chefs
Chopped

1.  I think those judges have the best friggin job in the world.  Taste this, taste that.  "I think you could have cooked my chicken breast a little more." "Did you even add salt to this dish?"

2.  I cannot fathom how these people THINK UP the recipes from start to pretty-finished-plate in less than 20 minutes.  How the hell? 

3.  I think the poor (but absolutely lovely biceps!) chap on Dinner: Impossible needs to have his time start AFTER he has figured out the menu and gone shopping.  This guy puts together over twenty recipes for sometimes as much as 300 people with a crew of about five in approximately four hours.  I'm in awe.

4.  I wanna cook.

Junk Inbox

I love how quickly my junk inbox fills up.  Sadly, it fills faster than my regular inbox.  Here is a sampling...

Healthy Offers: Limited time offer! Fall Samples.
What do you need from me for some super great fall samples? Social security number? Passwords? And what will I expect to receive in 6-8 weeks? Some dried apples? Organic carrot chips?

RX Pharmacy: More than just ED pills.
Oh good because my erectile dysfunction is now up and running...but damn those crabs!

Liekdsidjskls: Attention Blackjack players!
Finally a club I can join and hold my head up high.

Bankruptcy Help: Considering bankruptcy? Free evaluation.
Did they somehow hear of my overly expensive move and want to help me with some options? How freakin sweet is that?!

PeggyMcDallopdam:  She's it.
She is? I'll be dammed.  I had no idea she was it.  Please Peggy Mcdallowomdidsiadioh do tell me more because I won't sleep until I hear who else is it.

Selectmilitarydotcomof: Attention service members and veterans.
Yep, I enlisted and didn't tell anyone.  Semper Fi.

Studentcorner: Graduate with an online degree in 24 months.
I have been thinking of getting another bachelor's degree in history.  Hmmm, thanks student corner, you rock!

Help wanted: Make $250/$3500/$1000/$2500/$8000 a day!
And to think we didn't need to move all the way to Pennsylvania...I could have just signed up to make thousands a day at home doing nothing.  Too bad they didn't share this gem of information with me sooner! Damn!

The End Of The Hand Shake

I wash my hands a lot.  But, I don't think I am overly obsessive about it.  I don't freak out in public bathrooms.  I don't think extra hard over what transpires in back kitchens.  I don't stress about germs.  But, I personally like my hands clean at all times...so much so that I don't even enjoy "finger" foods...I'd rather use a fork, thanks.

A couple of Sunday's ago the priest at our church announced that the diocese of Pennsylvania has announced (maybe it was the Pope that announced it, honestly, I don't remember) that because of the Swine Flu and winter in general they were ceasing the ritual of shaking hands during mass.

Now, for those of you readers who do not attend a Catholic church...there is part of the mass, about halfway through, that we "give peace" and by doing so we shake hands with our pew neighbors.

I will admit that it is not my "most favorite" part.  As a kid, I hated that part of the mass.  As an adult I am always aware of what people are doing with their hands.  Are they picking at their various body parts? Are they coughing into their hands? Are they wiping their kids noses?

And I will also admit that after mass I can hardly wait to wash my hands.  I have always thought it a little strange that we shake hands (and we used to hold hands during the Our Father in both San Diego and Idaho but here they don't practice that) and then shortly go up to receive the Host, in our hands.

Okay, I know that I said I wasn't obsessive about hands and germs and here I go on and on about it...

But, I will say this: AFTER the peace part of mass I inevitably smiled.  After I shook hands with all my pew neighbors and the priest continued with the mass I turned back around and had a smile on my face.  It just happened.  I was immediately lighter.  Slightly happier after the ritual.  And week after week I think to myself, "why do I dislike this part so much and yet end up happy afterwords?"

For weeks now we have all been stumbling with the shaking hands part of the mass.  Some people still do it, some don't and you are left either nodding your "peace be with you" to people with their hands out or you are the one with your hand out and it is not received.  Awkward.

Last Sunday I watched as Larry went to shake hands (we are creature of habits! It is hard to break!) with an older woman and she was almost scornful as she just nodded her head and kept her hands in a locked embrace at her waist.

Now when the priest continues with the mass I am not smiling.  Sure we have turned around and did the whole "peace be with you" with a simple nod of our heads, but it isn't the same.

I don't feel that smile anymore. I don't feel that simple pleasure that the simple act of shaking hands and wishing peace to strangers brings.

And that makes me sorta sad.  Like something was missing. 

I should also say that I don't recall ever (EVER) getting sick after a Sunday mass and shaking hands with people.

Ah, well.  Change.

Q & A Take II

If I knew then what I know now...

I would have definitely gone AWAY to college...away from home...in another state somewhere...live in a dorm...the whole college experience...and skip the "working and buying a new car" thing because THAT will come in time but living in a dorm and going away to college is only a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Biggest waste of time

Playing Bejeweled on Facebook!!! It is so relaxing and addicting but once I start it is hard to stop so I only log onto it late in the evening and give myself a short window of "play time".

What's your favorite place in the world?

My house in Idaho.

What was your most embarrassing moment?

I'm sure I have one more recent but all that is coming to mind right now is when I was in high school and in the school play and when I sat down on a bench prop during a performance it broke and I fell down.

Childhood ambition

Writing.

Fondest memory

It is hard to pick only one because there are thousands but the first one that came to mind was sitting at my wedding reception, up on the "stage" with our wedding party, completely sober (our choice for that night) and looking out on our 300 guests and thinking how grand life is at this exact moment...that in front of us were all these people here for US!  And, I remember thinking, "I need to remember THIS moment right here, right now."

Wildest dream

To live in NYC in some cute and small apartment and work as a staff writer on a sitcom, SNL, or Late Night.

Proudest moment

Watching my kids in their activities...sports, musical performances, plays, etc.

Biggest challenge

Emotional frailty

Alarm clock

My alarm clock is Larry who wakes me up at 5:40 every morning.

Perfect day

Wake up early before anyone else, make some coffee, the house is already clean and the clothes are already washed and put away...dinner in the crockpot...beautiful nature out my window...enjoying the rain coming down on a chilly day...reading a book by the fireplace...kids getting along...maybe a glass of wine after dinner...and a funny movie.

First job

Salad girl at Julio's pizza.

Indulgence

Sleeping in on the weekends.

Last purchase

Extra large whole chickens (on sale for 89 cents a pound! A smokin' deal!)

Favorite movie

Mamma Mia because it makes me smile and laugh and feel good each and every time I watch it.  Plus the music rocks.

Inspiration

Everywhere.

My life is...

...at times crazy, lonely, blessed.

Veteran's Day

My dad served in the United States Navy during WWII.  In order to do so he had to drop out of high school after losing both his parents and I believe lied about his age in order to serve since he was only about 16 or 17.

To be fair, he only served at the tail end of the war for about 18 months.

And yet to hear him talk about the war you would have thought he fought on the front lines from day one.  When I see anything associated with the Second World War it is hard to not think of my dad.  I believe it was one of his shining moments in his life.

In fact, I often felt it similar to how people talk about their college days and how great and grand and wonderful college life was.  That is how he sounded when he talked about his stint in the Navy.  He loved it all.  He was proud and young and eager and happy...despite the horribleness of war all around him...these years are marked right up there with the highlights of his life.

He talked often and with whomever would listen to his stories about the war.  I was lucky enough to write many of them down in a scrapbook I worked on years ago (back in Oceanside when he would come over in the morning, I made coffee, took the boys to school, and we would sit with Jennifer and talk and I would write down story after story and ask him question after question...he loved it and I have an album that is FULL of so many wonderful tales) of his life.  

So, in honor of my dad who fought in WWII and every other Veteran out there who with their bravery and duty fought (and fight) to keep this country strong...THANK YOU.

The Christmas Dilemma

I have been a firm believer that less is more.  For as long as we have had kids we have not gone crazy with Christmas gifts for a number of reasons:

1.  I think it is obscene and glutinous to have a million gifts under the tree.
2.  Kids get bored quickly with too many gifts and after a few of them are opened they are dying to play with something but...wait...there is MORE to open!
3.  It teaches them they have to have QUANTITY and LOTS AND LOTS of boxes and toys and gifts in order to be happy and that is the complete and utter opposite I am trying to teach them.
4.  We don't use credit cards and haven't for a VERY long time and therefore our Christmas is paid for in cash so we budget for gifts and try like hell to stick with it.  I don't believe in spending some crazy high dollar amount on gifts.

We decided that we would limit their gifts to three and one that Santa brought.  Period.  (Well, plus the stocking stuffers.)

And I will proudly say that for as long as we made that plan and stuck to it they have not once complained about it.  Between what they received from family, godparents, and friends, it was more than enough (stuff).

In fact, one year when we were in Oceanside and the boys were quite young they really wanted GameBoys but because those were so expensive we decided to buy them each a GameBoy and a game and wrap them separate.  Their "third" gift was a little powered cars we found in the mall one night and thought they would absolutely love them.

Well, on Christmas Eve my brother gave the same exact cars to the boys as gifts! And, sure enough, they loved them!  However, that left a GameBoy, one game, and a car that would only now be viewed as old news on Christmas morning.  I remember Larry and I sitting in bed that night and wondering what the hell we were going to do now since the boys were only going to open basically two gifts from us!

I can still remember that morning.  The boys opened up their GameBoys and jumped up and down.  They plugged in the game and went merrily along.  They didn't care what else they opened (thankfully since there was nothing else).  I remember thinking, "I'll be dammed...that is pretty cool that our kids aren't crying because the gift opening is over after two gifts."

However, kids grow up and with their advancing ages come longer lists and items that cost small fortunes...

Josh wants an Itouch.  Harrison wants a PS3 or whatever new game system is out right now.  And Jennifer wants some giant dog named Biscuit that costs as much as our heating bill.

I told them all that a) you will NOT be getting an ITouch, a PS3, or a giant play dog.  b) you better start brainstorming for items that are much less expensive.  And don't think you can write to Santa, beg and plead, or insist that is all you want because YOU WILL BE DISAPPOINTED.  My favorite part is when one of them will say, "but mom it is ONLY $299".  (Josh is now going to "save" for an ITouch on his own...perfect...how he plans to save all that money when the money he does earn seems to burn a hole in his pocket within seconds on impact, but, whatever.)

One of the things that I have noticed now is how "want-want-want" they get around this time of the year.  Maybe that is normal kid stuff and I'm just a big ole grinch over here trying to steal Christmas from my innocent little children.  But it drives me nuts when they are forever listing these items they want, many of which are either expensive or unnecessary (in my opinion)...for example, Harrison wants an IPod when he already has an MP3 (really son? Why??!)

I am trying hard at trying to instill in my kids that Christmas shouldn't be just about what they GET.  It isn't about a tree that is so full of gifts under it that it is grossly embarrassing.  It should be about traditions and family and giving back too. 

I realize they are just kids and there is my dilemma.  How far do I strip them from Christmas joy in order to instill that getting all they "want" isn't even close to what the holiday is even about?!  I realize they are only kids once and this is what kids do but I guess I'm trying to find a happy medium this holiday.  There will not be any family and any traditions we all carried with us to this east coast life hardly work by ourselves.  However, we are working on coming up with new traditions and rituals that will be special for the five of us.

So, I am trying to come up with some sort of happy medium.

I'm not going to have a Charlie Brown Christmas.  Although I will say that it is a daily struggle even thinking about the holidays.

The kids will have gifts under the tree but not an obscene amount.  

And I have a plan that I am pretty sure I can get the kids behind (they had made the first suggestion...I just took the idea and fleshed it out) that will put the focus LESS on them and all they "want" and more on giving and helping others.  I will let you know the plan once we have had a chance to iron out all the details.

In the meantime I am going to have them refine their gift list further to eliminate all those high priced items (and more just regular stuff) and continue to talk about giving more and wanting less...and coming up with ways to make the holidays merry, despite the loneliness.

Yeah, I Know

We all have those appropriate list of comments we say to other people, don't we?  It isn't that we are being mean or heartless when we say them, but they are a bit molded out of cardboard at times, are they not?  They just happen to be fitting at times when we need that little something to say to someone else.

Hang in there.
Be strong.
I'm here if you need anything.
Let me know if you need anything.
I know exactly what you are going through.
My heart goes out to you.
You will be missed.
Be grateful.
Be thankful.
At least you have your health.

You get the idea.  I hear a lot of them on a regular basis and it isn't that they aren't meaningful when people say them or that they aren't genuinely being kind and thoughtful...I'm sure they are...but I have found myself answering in stock answers that really don't delve any deeper into who I really am than noticing the color of my hair.

In my case, right now and for the purpose of this post, the statements go a little something like this:

"Do you have kids?"
"Yes, three...(and I give ages and grades)."
"How are they liking it here?" (Here is the start of the line of statements...)
"They like it a lot." (Jennifer misses her friends and wants to go to Idaho for her birthday next June so she can celebrate with her friends.  Harrison misses his best friend so much it bums him out to be living here.)
"Well, and once they get involved in things...(do they play sports?) they will start making all kinds of friends."  (Yes, I'm sure they will.)
"And then you will start making friends with the parents of the kids in the same sport or scouting or dance class, etc."  (And, there it is.)
"Uh huh."

And thus ends our conversation.

Something dawned on me yesterday when this conversation took place not once but three times.  How many times have I heard that kids are resilient and they will meet people and they will be fine?  But, don't they have the right to be missing their friends and home too?  Are they supposed to just bounce back and meet good friends and ride the rainbow of utter and true peace and happiness from the very beginning?  I don't think that is realistic.  I'm not saying they are, nor am I endorsing whatsoever, them to become depressed hermits (I've got that role covered) but they are, in their own way, dealing with the challenges that come with a big move just like the rest of us.

The other thing I discovered is that people just assume you will meet people when you get your kids involved.  And, for the most part that is true.  You do meet people that way.  However, a) this is a small town and people know everyone and more than half the people in this town have lived here there entire lives and so they have formed friendships a million years ago.  What does that mean? They aren't necessarily looking to add some woman from the west (Idaho??! Wow, what are you doing in NE PA?) into their circle of friends.  Now, are they ALL like that? No, I'm sure they aren't.  And, let me also be clear here.  The people are FRIENDLY.  Very, very friendly.  Helpful.  Nice.  Thoughtful.  Caring.  Sweet.  But, are they actively looking to bond with new friends? No, not necessarily.  Sure, I've met some neighborhood women but most of them are not really my cup of tea, so to speak.  b) I don't really (truly) WANT to meet anyone (despite my mother's insistence that if I meet a friend all my troubles will disappear). 

Now, I know.  Don't start shaking your head and waging your finger at me via your computer screen and thinking up bad names for me.

It is a catch-22.  I am lonely.  I am missing my home and my family and my friends and my life in Idaho.  And yet, I am sitting here not wanting to meet anyone and the ones I have met are not my cup of tea.  Oh, poor me.  Wah, wah.  Grow up.  Get over yourself.  Put your big girl panties on.  Move on.  Blah, blah, blah.

However, I have been in crowds, in rooms, in kitchens, in a mansion...all full of people...friendly people...people who are nice and talkative and thoughtful...and yet I have never felt more lonely in all my life.  So, I don't believe that just the fact that you have surrounded yourself with warm bodies makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside automatically.

Maybe I'm just a big pain in the ass baby who needs to get over the fact that she now lives in the middle of fucking nowhere in a place that she finds incredibly difficult to call home and is suddenly talking in the third person for no apparent reason.

The funny/ironic part is the women I was talking to who all had similar things to say to me were women on this committee I found myself on and whom I sat across the dining room table on more than a few occasions in the past month.  And they were all telling me to go to my kids school and make friends there.  Go to my son's basketball game and meet the fellow mothers.  Go and find your kids friends and there you will find your newest BFF.  Really?  Okay.  I'm not so sure.

What is wrong with me?

Oh, wait.  Scratch that.  Don't answer.  I already feel like shit.

For starters I am not a very outgoing person and in times like this with a move like this, I wish I were.  I wish I could just get myself out there and blab to this one and that one and inch myself into one circle after another with a bottle of wine and promises of trips to the city and sharing nail polish.  But, I'm not.

I'm also a bit gun shy.  There are some deputes over my ability to be a good friend/daughter/sister/aunt/mother.  What if I just leave more destruction in my wake? Add more names to the growing list of people I have upset, hurt, or pissed off and therefore don't care to ever talk to me again?

And, I don't think I have it in me to give right now.  To be a good friend you need to listen as much as you talk.  You need to genuinely care about the other persons life and share in the good and bad times.  You need to be trustworthy and kind.  And, I'm not sure I have much to offer right now.  I'm tired, emotional, down, sad, lonely, frustrated, bored, restless, unhappy.  Oh yeah, let's get behind this nut-job. 

So, I nod my head when they inform me the best way to meet people and they walk away thinking they have truly helped this woman who is new here find some roots and meet new friends. 

And inside I continue to feel lonelier and lonelier.

In 15 Minutes...

(This is what I call A Slow News Day!)

...Vaudevillian Jack Norworth wrote the song "Take me out to the ball game" during a Manhattan subway ride in 1908.

...The temperature plummeted from 55 degrees at 7am to 8 degrees at 7:15am in Rapid City, South Dakota, on January 10, 1911...the fastest drop on record in the United States.

...About 117 children are born in the United States.

...Your eyes blink about 250 times.  But that number can increase to between 400 and 750 times when you're excited.  People blink the most when they're on a date, speaking in public, or lying.

...An estimated 625 million e-mail messages are sent worldwide.  About 419 million of those e-mails, or 67 percent, are spam.

...A total of 9,584,685 M&M candies roll off the production lines at the two M&M factories, in Hackettstown, NJ, and Cleveland, TN.

...The United States government takes in about $457 million in taxes and other revenues and spends $469 million.

...A monarch butterfly travels about one mile during its biannual migration.